Thursday, March 07, 2013

"I Come to Mock Paul of Farce-Us, Not to Praise Him."

Yesterday, this happened.

Some second generation southern conservative jackwagon captivated the chattering class for over half a day by filibustering a presidential cabinet nominee about hypothetical drone strikes on domestic soil. This, in turn, led to all sorts of pompous huzzahs, Fake Harlem Shake reenactments, ceremonial releasing of doves, exchanging of fruit baskets, Emo-progressive swooning by lefty political junkies so inspired by the display they christened him "Sir Jack of Wagon, Invincible Hero of the Emo Realm." This decree led to endless sarcasm, brutal mockery and angry scorn heaped upon the heads of Citizens of the Emo Realm by other, more practical progressives who felt the words of a man who desires to disenfranchise 2/3s of a nation's citizens deserve a more cautious, wary response than the one being offered by those who seemed more interested in political theater than political realities. Glibertarian hate-trolling exploded, leading to much wielding of Thine Holy Banhammer® on Twitter. Finally, after generating much praise from the serious and principled folk on the left and the right for his 12 hour dog and pony show, Brave, Brave Sir Wagon was forced to bid his fair subjects adieu when his bladder was about to explode. (ALAS, WILST NO ONE FETCHETH OUR HERO YON PICKLE JAR WHEREWITH TO DISPENSE OF HIS BLESSED ONES AND TWOS??? WHY DOTH THINE KIDNEYS BETRAYETH THEE, SIRE? DOTH THEY TOO HATETH OUR FREEDOMS, MILAWD???? USA! USA! Insert giant foam finger here.) And then, in less time than it took for him to stand on the senate floor and filibuster over his principled position on domestic drone strikes, he reneged on that very position on what will henceforth be christened The Caucasian News Network.

 Confusing as hell, you say? Well, there's good news! I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Well, here it goes.

Rand! (Sung to the tune of "Stand!" by Sly and the Family Stone)

In the end, its all about you
Yet Emos will still love anything you do

There's a cross for you to bear
aflame in black folks yards till they're out your hair

Fight for things you know are right
Who cares if gays and women put up a fight?

All your conspiracy theories are real
You've Dad's work to complete cuz he knew the deal

Rand, Rand, Rand! (Every Emo Say it yeah)
Rand, Rand, Rand!

You've been simmering much too long
Equal rights on the rise, and you know that's wrong

There's a nation standing tall
White male privilege, endangered and 'bout to fall

Rand, Rand, Rand!
Rand, Rand, Rand!

On the fringes true Patriots crawl
Mobilized and awaiting your marching call

Don't you know you can't be free
Till you take everyone else's liberty?

Rand, Rand!


Rand! (Distorted, maniacal laugh) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
(Repeat until the imaginary domestic drone strikes hit, or, until your socialist/dictatorial kidneys scream for blessed release)