I Survived the Umpteenth GOP Debate. What I Win? (Also Chirpified)

One of the two people pictured above is a right wing politician picked by most pundits - at least the ones not currently being carted off to their nearest mental health facility - as the winner of tonight's GOP debate on Economics, broadcast by Bloomberg TV and sponsored by a bunch of right wing think tanks that aired ads featuring eloquent children who peddled wingnut talking points about how great it would be to screw all the old people by fucking up their Social Security. The other is a Muppet who talks like a game show host on a famous children's TV show on public television. Can you guess which is which? How do we know for sure they're not the same person? Have you ever seen them in the same room together?

The guy who's a regular on children's television has been bringing joy to children for decades while interacting with well-known Muppets like Oscar the Grouch, Bert n Ernie, Grover, the Cookie Monster, Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus - all without anyone on the show noticing he lacks a functioning neck and can only speak by using the hinge in the back of his skull to tilt the top 2/3s of his head backward and then move it up and down to facilitate speech. The other guy hangs out with Republicans and regularly talks out the side of his neck - sometimes talking out both sides at once.

In all honesty, the guy on the right (or is it the left? Fuck! I'm all confused right now. Hold me?) should have been expected to win anyway, since economics and business has supposedly always been his strong suit. Republican GOP debate winner guy regularly brags about being the CEO of many, many, many WONDERFUL companies with running a business being the #1 double-plus good thing that gives him all kinds of executive experience necessary to run an entire country. Yes, because taking over a company, sucking out all its profits by slashing payrolls, firing all its people and then cakewalking off into the sunset with a sweet severance package proves you're just what the country needs at its helm right now to stabilize a faltering economy and put millions of unemployed people back to work. He even brags about once being governor of an entire state in the liberal northeast - and not just any state: the great state of Massachoochoo, home of notoriously liberal strongholds such as Bahston, the Kennedy enclave and Sen. John Kerry's hair. While governor, he also instituted a health care plan that was the first of its kind in the nation and the prototype for the federal health reform plan now known as "Obamacare." Except, he doesn't want anybody to actually bring it up now that he's criss-crossing the globe trying to convince unemployed people that he's unemployed and living in his son's basement and screaming "GODDAMMIT THESE WAITRESSES NEED TO QUIT GRABBING MY ASS! Psyche! I was just playin'!" while middle aged women who are forced to dress in hairnets and polyester uniforms while slaving away in greasy spoon diners for minimum wage plus tips look at each other in slack-jawed disbelief.


And no, that's not Sen. John Kerry in either of the photos at the top. Kerry has 1000 times more warmth and humor than either of those characters pictured above.

Anyways. This here brotha (no, not either of those wooden fuckers in the photo above, I meant ME) was online while agonizing his way through the GOP devastation and live Tweeted the whole thing. Its been assembled as a Chirpstory for your amusement. Enjoy.